I wish you knew

No one know what keeping my tears tonight
All my secret, difficulties and problems
Keeping me from falling asleep tonight

I try to be strong despite my pain
try to face the world, put on a smile and greet the day

Happiness is what I longed for
Is it too much to wish for?

No one know what keeps me from falling asleep tonight
I thought you should know that I care
For I care more than anything else

No one know what keeps my tears from falling
I thought you should know, all I think about is you

Cause I’ll break down when you do really care…

Embrace. Cambridge.

The Law of Attraction said, if you're happy, you'll keep attracting happy things to your side. So well, I had a fabulous weekend indeed. I went to Embrace Club, a summer welcome party for summer student like us on Friday. I had a blast with my friends. We drank, we danced and honestly, honestly, I never, never, had that much fun before in my life! I mean, in a pub, I only been to places like this once, this is my second. I felt great, relaxed and hyped. Dance crazily, laughed crazily. It's like a dream came true, I know, I know, far-fetched again, but then, I always wanted to do something like that with my friends cause I've always been curious how it felt like to dance to the rhythm and be comfortable with your friends, and be comfortable with yourself. 


Then, the day after, we headed straight to Cambridge for a day trip. It's a nice and relaxing trip. We, my boyfriend and I got separated from the group as we sat on different coaches and had different drop-off and pick-up point, so we walked and explored the city ourselves. It was overall a wonderful day trip. Although the weather is quite warm there, it was the first time I ever sweat, and had oily face and hair in UK! 

Nice view? =]

We had HotDog for lunch! Not bad~ the only affordable meal there LOL!

Alright, so far so good...hope for more "goodness". No...must think "goodness" and have a strong desire for it. I want a happy life! Come to me oh yeah! LOL

Ok, I have to make-good of the condition. I have to say, I'm blessed. I have real friends around me. I'm loved. I'm not lonely, it's just that all my girls are not here, when I'm back home, I could have a great time with my girls again.

I'm so glad Tomato, my friend for 16 years, she called me. We chatted, laughed and talked nonsense. She told me about her days, how happy she is that she had a good bargain today, sharing with me her experience of the day. It cheers me a lot. I feel quite OK now. =]

I'm such a bipolar ><

Breakdown #2

I was halfway through Secret. What's the big secret behind 'Secret'? It's none other than the law of attraction. You attract the likes of you. Key ingredient here is, your thoughts and your feelings emits 'magnetic' force that attract what you shape in your mind. 


Even so, I find is so so hard to keep a clear and happy mind all days! My feelings get mixed up and influences so so easily. Gosh, this project is getting way harder than I thought. I'm getting the pessimistic force more and more. I get influenced so easily. 


I tried so hard to be simple, be grateful and contended and just walk on life. I'm getting the domino effect. One emotion falls, then the others fails too. I have an ever failing and falling self-esteem and self-confident. I still feel shitty about myself. What's wrong with me?


Nothing's feel right. I will try harder.  

Counting My Blessing.

Bright side of the story after the last disaster, I had two good things that happened to me. OK, make it three.


First, I had a great day out with my cousin and his family @ Sheffield. We had lunch at Pizza Express, we chatted and I had fun watching and playing with my cousin's Caucasian kids! They are just so cute and happy. Very lively, lovely and adorable children. They made my day, I was all over the moon that day.


Second, we manage to get refund from my university management for the last disastrous trip after we made a complaint about it. And we get free complementary tickets to go again as well! I was happier to get my refund back actually Haha.


Third, I got this book today, one of my friend lend me, I count it as a blessing cause I loved books. It's Secret by Rhonda Byrne, one of the best selling motivational book around. Gotta get a peep  what's in there for me later =]  

This is the book. Secret. 

Am I doing it correctly? Will, at the end of this project, I'll be able to learn and improve myself ?And live a happier life?

Manchester Disaster!

Oh dear! I messed up my goals last weekend. It was on a day trip to Manchester city last Saturday, a trip organised by the university union.


My friends and I, as well as other students from other courses, we went for this trip by bus. We sat way at the back of the bus as all the seats were fully occupied with students happily chatting and were all excited for the day. We drop of the bus at Piccadilly at Manchester city. We were given a piece of photostated paper, with map that enable us to travel around the city at own will but be back at the coach at 4.45pm, as stated in that paper.


So, my friends and I, in four, we wander off aimlessly in the city, looking for tourist attractions and interesting whatchamacallit to snap photos with. It was fun at first, we spotted a lot of interesting stuff in the city, went to interesting places. but, as we were all ready to go home and back to the place where the bus first drop us off, we felt something was amiss when there are no one there, not a single student are there.


Then we started calling people and asking their whereabouts and only to know, they were already left the city and to the stadium at 1.30pm, way long ago and was to board the bus back Sheffield from there. Gosh! No one told us anything and the coach didn't even said it (even if he said or we missed it, we were sitting wayyy at the back and his voice was as soft as whispers).


So, I ranged the coach, told him the incident and made him wait for us as we rushed to Manchester Stadium where everyone is gathering. We took the taxi which cost us 10pounds! We lost another 6 pounds for not entering the stadium at all, it was included in our ticket.


That day, I was upset and sad. Real disappointed. I couldn't face anyone at that time, couldn't even face the coach when he apologises as I was so caught up with my anger and disappointment, I could even felt hot tears welled up my eyes.


Why didn't anyone tell us? Everyone has friends to tell them, why not us? Are we invisible at the eyes of others? My coursemates! Didn't they realise we were missing when they board the bus at 1.30pm? Didn't the coach ask "Anyone's not here?" and yet no one said anything? And at the stadium itself, when they were about to head back Sheffield, didn't any one of my coursemates, my so-called 4 years of classmates and friends realised I was missing and so as others? So, it's OK they were all safe, in their own groups and colonies while us, the invisible "groupies"/ "leftout" were missing back in Manchester? So...it's OK? After 4 years I have knew them...


I was so upset, I went back and cried my lung out in front of my boyfriend. I don't get it, they are not my friends or they never treated me as one? not even classmates? It's not like I never helped them before, in fact I never seems to hesitate before to help them in anything, be it assignments, exams or anything all throughout our 4 years of "friendships" and studies together. It was so hurt.


And so, yea, I messed up, I can't be positive that day, I was deeply overwhelmed with negativity. Sigh. What a day.  

Some Goals

Let's get things started. Some goals for myself here.

Loving Me

Be Positive

Be Disciplined

The Top 3 hardest thing for me, as I get dispassionate easily.

Let's just see how much I could achieve this week.

Wish me luck! 

The Project

The mention of project seems to siren the sound of importance and something anticipating isn't it? I'm here to start a project, that are not at all related to the course I'm studying (it's E-commerce and Marketing if you ask), not at all any profitable project that will yield revenues or to build fame and marks in the world. Nope, I'm not that ambitious yet. 


This is a project of my own, for myself. A diary.

I have a messed up life which is not so messed up in the eyes of others, alright, in fact I'm considered a blessed and lucky girl around. Fortunate. I have good family, I have good friends, I have a boyfriend who loved and cared for me, I'm not that bad in studies, I manage to build good image around with people, I'm not exactly ugly or real fat (according to the people around me), I'm fulfilling my childhood dream of being in overseas, studying and experiencing the lifestyle of foreign-ness that some might not be able to be here in the first place.


Yet, just like the song, ages ago from the infamous Britney Spears that time, 'Lucky'. 

"She's so lucky, she's a star, but she cry, cry, cry, in her lonely heart thinking,
If there's nothing, missing in my life,
then why do these tears come at night?"

Yes, I do pounder on that question too. "Why do these tears come at night?". What am I missing? Am my life not near-perfection enough? Why do I feel so lonely?

I'm not a teenager anymore, I'm in my early 20s. Does my messed up thought reflect my immaturity? I think it is obvious that, it is.

I have some goals here you know, which I've been doing and re-doing each year, each time and each minute. And, it always to no avail. My passion come and go off as sudden and as quickly as it comes.


I need to change to be a better me, not for my grades in study, or a position in the society yet, I wanna mark a position in myself. Where do I stand in my life, in me and in my heart? What priority I give myself? How much love I put in for myself? Do I care for myself as much as I care for all the nuisances?


As much as I realise, failing to love myself means failing in so many essential things in my life.


Losing confidence in yourself, perhaps the deadliest of all, will result in failing relationship in others. If you can't love yourself, how can you love others? If you can't even care for yourself, your feelings, your needs and your very own thirst of attention from yourself, the simplest duty, how can you give the best to others?


I realised that of course. I always do. I thought I could shed it off, shun the thoughts and keep doing what I could, mending mistakes, but everytime I do, it only result as a repetition of the last.  


I keep hurting myself and others in the process. Sometimes I was so lost, I just don't know what to do. Sometimes I was so depressed  I wish I could stay at home, not socialising, not going anywhere, but to hide under my blanket and to cry and scream my heart and lung out, and to let the time pass...


It was silly isn't it? But that how's I felt sometimes when you can't do anything.


If I'm not appreciative enough, does not love and care for myself enough and does not feel contented of what I have now, I will never be happy. You could buy me a car, a house, or even made me a billionaire like Bill Gates, I would still will not be as happy as I thought one could be. Cause...I don't know, I don't even know how to answer this. 


Perhaps to start of this whole project, not just to love yourself, but to find happiness in yourself. The kind of contentment that only you, yourself can fulfill.