The Project

The mention of project seems to siren the sound of importance and something anticipating isn't it? I'm here to start a project, that are not at all related to the course I'm studying (it's E-commerce and Marketing if you ask), not at all any profitable project that will yield revenues or to build fame and marks in the world. Nope, I'm not that ambitious yet. 


This is a project of my own, for myself. A diary.

I have a messed up life which is not so messed up in the eyes of others, alright, in fact I'm considered a blessed and lucky girl around. Fortunate. I have good family, I have good friends, I have a boyfriend who loved and cared for me, I'm not that bad in studies, I manage to build good image around with people, I'm not exactly ugly or real fat (according to the people around me), I'm fulfilling my childhood dream of being in overseas, studying and experiencing the lifestyle of foreign-ness that some might not be able to be here in the first place.


Yet, just like the song, ages ago from the infamous Britney Spears that time, 'Lucky'. 

"She's so lucky, she's a star, but she cry, cry, cry, in her lonely heart thinking,
If there's nothing, missing in my life,
then why do these tears come at night?"

Yes, I do pounder on that question too. "Why do these tears come at night?". What am I missing? Am my life not near-perfection enough? Why do I feel so lonely?

I'm not a teenager anymore, I'm in my early 20s. Does my messed up thought reflect my immaturity? I think it is obvious that, it is.

I have some goals here you know, which I've been doing and re-doing each year, each time and each minute. And, it always to no avail. My passion come and go off as sudden and as quickly as it comes.


I need to change to be a better me, not for my grades in study, or a position in the society yet, I wanna mark a position in myself. Where do I stand in my life, in me and in my heart? What priority I give myself? How much love I put in for myself? Do I care for myself as much as I care for all the nuisances?


As much as I realise, failing to love myself means failing in so many essential things in my life.


Losing confidence in yourself, perhaps the deadliest of all, will result in failing relationship in others. If you can't love yourself, how can you love others? If you can't even care for yourself, your feelings, your needs and your very own thirst of attention from yourself, the simplest duty, how can you give the best to others?


I realised that of course. I always do. I thought I could shed it off, shun the thoughts and keep doing what I could, mending mistakes, but everytime I do, it only result as a repetition of the last.  


I keep hurting myself and others in the process. Sometimes I was so lost, I just don't know what to do. Sometimes I was so depressed  I wish I could stay at home, not socialising, not going anywhere, but to hide under my blanket and to cry and scream my heart and lung out, and to let the time pass...


It was silly isn't it? But that how's I felt sometimes when you can't do anything.


If I'm not appreciative enough, does not love and care for myself enough and does not feel contented of what I have now, I will never be happy. You could buy me a car, a house, or even made me a billionaire like Bill Gates, I would still will not be as happy as I thought one could be. Cause...I don't know, I don't even know how to answer this. 


Perhaps to start of this whole project, not just to love yourself, but to find happiness in yourself. The kind of contentment that only you, yourself can fulfill.